At the beginning of every year, I sit down, with a spiral notebook on my lap and a ball point pen in my hand, to write my New year resolutions. Every year, it’s the same old thing. I promise to myself that I will become more confident, friendly, fearless, and kind. This is spawned from a deep sense of incompletion and dissatisfaction about who I am as a person.
In my life, there is an intriguing blend of vapid, senseless, thoughtless idiots, and wonderful, unique, gracious, and kind people. Admittedly, the vapid idiots make me feel slightly better about myself, while the seemingly perfect and Polar-Opposite-of-the-Idiots people make me feel like I could never measure up to them. I sometimes wonder if there is anyone like me. Someone who constantly is looking for ways of self-improvement, constantly changing my goals and aims in life, constantly feeling like I will never measure up.
Maybe it’s too much pressure to write your New Years resolutions, and give yourself a 365 day limit to reaching the usually unatainable goals. Last year, I went through two stages. At the start of the year I had high self confidence. I had a solid group of friends, my schooling was going reasonably well, and my relationship with my family had finally gotten off the rocks, and was now sailing in relatively smooth waters. Then, the crippling and snide self doubt managed to worm it’s way back into my life as undetected as a homeless man on a busy sidewalk in Los Angeles. I only realised just how much the self doubt had ruined my self esteem before it had begun to effect my every day life.
So this year, like all past years, I have decided my resolution is to have more confidence, among other things. How will I go about trying to accomplish this goal? Well that is the most important part of resolutions.